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You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

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At work, were taught to lead the conversation. On social media, we shape our personal narratives. At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians. Were not listening. And no one is listening to us. Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And At work, we’re taught to lead the conversation. On social media, we shape our personal narratives. At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians. We’re not listening. And no one is listening to us. Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it’s making us lonelier, more isolated, and less tolerant than ever before. A listener by trade, New York Times contributor Kate Murphy wanted to know how we got here. In this always illuminating and often humorous deep dive, Murphy explains why we’re not listening, what it’s doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. She makes accessible the psychology, neuroscience, and sociology of listening while also introducing us to some of the best listeners out there (including a CIA agent, focus group moderator, bartender, radio producer, and top furniture salesman). It’s time to stop talking and start listening.


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At work, were taught to lead the conversation. On social media, we shape our personal narratives. At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians. Were not listening. And no one is listening to us. Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And At work, we’re taught to lead the conversation. On social media, we shape our personal narratives. At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians. We’re not listening. And no one is listening to us. Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it’s making us lonelier, more isolated, and less tolerant than ever before. A listener by trade, New York Times contributor Kate Murphy wanted to know how we got here. In this always illuminating and often humorous deep dive, Murphy explains why we’re not listening, what it’s doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. She makes accessible the psychology, neuroscience, and sociology of listening while also introducing us to some of the best listeners out there (including a CIA agent, focus group moderator, bartender, radio producer, and top furniture salesman). It’s time to stop talking and start listening.

30 review for You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

  1. 4 out of 5

    Paige

    How do feel when you leave a conversation feeling like the person really absorbed what you shared with them? How do you feel when you leave a conversation feeling like the person wasnt paying attention or didnt care what you were saying to them? This is one of the most impactful books I have read all year. The message of true listening in Youre Not Listening serves to emphatically renovate the way we interact with each other. Kate Murphys words can revolutionize your conversations and How do feel when you leave a conversation feeling like the person really absorbed what you shared with them? How do you feel when you leave a conversation feeling like the person wasn’t paying attention or didn’t care what you were saying to them? This is one of the most impactful books I have read all year. The message of true listening in You’re Not Listening serves to emphatically renovate the way we interact with each other. Kate Murphy’s words can revolutionize your conversations and relationships in a meaningful and powerful way. But, only if you listen. There was so much that resonated with me, and I highlighted quite a lot. My favorite chapters were “Addicted to Distractions” about the endless distractions that interfere with meaningful social interactions, “Supporting, Not Shifting the Conversation” about how we often direct the attention away from the person talking and direct it towards ourselves, and “Improvisational Listening” about collaborating with others. (There was so much I highlighted and marked!) Does it teach you how to listen? Sometimes pointers, tips, and guidance is mixed in. The purpose of the book though is to highlight the importance and value of listening. So, it teaches you the significance of listening rather than how to listen. But along the way you pick up tools to use and tips about how to listen. I highly recommend this book, and I think this is a must read for anyone in a leadership position. The book is extremely well researched but a very accessible read. It is comprehensible to the average reader and explains chapters in an approachable way. This was a group read with the Travelling Sisters. We had an amazing group discussion while reading. While discussing the book, group member Marilyn said, “This book is in my head all the time now, just feels like a part of me…” and I couldn’t agree with her more. Thank you to Celadon Books for an advanced copy. It was a pleasure and I loved it. More on this: “Half of surveyed Americans do not have meaningful social interactions on a daily basis.” *Read more Read more about the importance of listening The Magic Relationship Ratio According to Science What about listening to yourself? Read a bit about that with the Wall Street Journal here.

  2. 5 out of 5

    Debra

    This is an easily readable, enjoyable and thought-provoking book. I know some may look at the name and think "What? A book about listening or not listening. How can that be interesting?" Well, it is. Working in a field that is all about listening, I found that this book reinforced, most of what I already knew and had been taught in graduate school, but it was also an eye-opener for me in that I did not always utilize the skills I had been taught in my professional life in my personal life. This is an easily readable, enjoyable and thought-provoking book. I know some may look at the name and think "What? A book about listening or not listening. How can that be interesting?" Well, it is. Working in a field that is all about listening, I found that this book reinforced, most of what I already knew and had been taught in graduate school, but it was also an eye-opener for me in that I did not always utilize the skills I had been taught in my professional life in my personal life. People not only want to be heard but they need to be heard! Who doesn't want a captive audience? That is why people may tell bartenders more about themselves than they tell those closest to them in their lives - because they have an active listener. Work, distractions, social media, technology, etc. all can get in the way of listening and lead to loneliness. Then there is silence - what a powerful tool that is. I enjoyed the sections about other cultures and how they view silence both professionally and personally. There is a lot of food for thought in this book and lots to discuss. Hopefully, we will all come away as better listeners or at least become more aware of how we are listening to others. I enjoyed how this book was written. It does not come off as academic as some nonfiction books do. This is an easy book to read and I dare you not to pick up your highlighter while reading this book. There is a lot of passage that stood out for me and I found myself making note of them. Thank you to Celadon Books for providing me with a copy of this book to read with my fellow Traveling Sisters and Traveling Friends as a group read.

  3. 4 out of 5

    Brenda -Traveling Sister

    I am kicking off the new year here with my first review for one of the most eye-opening, powerful and important books I read in 2019. It's an easy, fast read with a lot packed into it. This was a Traveling Sister group read and one of the most valuable discussions we have had. I can't recommend this one enough!! The World is just too noisy for me with everyone talking and no one listening so I jumped at the chance to read and discuss this one with some members of our group. We highlighted I am kicking off the new year here with my first review for one of the most eye-opening, powerful and important books I read in 2019. It's an easy, fast read with a lot packed into it. This was a Traveling Sister group read and one of the most valuable discussions we have had. I can't recommend this one enough!! The World is just too noisy for me with everyone talking and no one listening so I jumped at the chance to read and discuss this one with some members of our group. We highlighted paragraph after paragraph and wanted to share how powerful each was for us. I now want to highlight all of them, but then you would be reading most of the book. lol We opened our minds to what we are missing and to the skills needed to be a good listener. We shared our own truths about listening and, in turn, learned something about ourselves and each other. We started to become more aware of our own listening skills and started practicing listening and we could see how satisfying it is to listen. Kate Murphy starts with the core here as to why it matters we are listening with addressing that people get lonely from lack of listening. Not only from the distractions of our devices and social media influence but also with feeling lonely even with people because we are not practicing the skill of listening. She offers up some powerful, eye-opening and valuable information here and follows through with some suggestions that will make a difference. She offers up reasons we are not listening that I wasn't aware of and the importance of freeing up our minds from distractions that are going on around us and in our minds. She shows us that listening is also gathering more from others than just the words said. In a positive way, she provokes some questions "Are we really connecting and contributing to others or just waiting for our turn to talk? "Does what others say matter to you and is it important that you see what they are saying?" Kate Murphy also addresses when to make the call to stop listening when the world becomes too noisy and you just don't have the capacity to listen to the noise or negativity. Life is just hard enough as it is. I highly recommend reading this one! Let's listen up, Friends and make a difference! It matters to the mental health crisis! The Traveling Sisters in this group read received copies from the publishers.

  4. 5 out of 5

    Gretchen Rubin

    This is a fascinating book, exactly suited to my particular interests. How can I learn to listen better?

  5. 5 out of 5

    Lindsay - Traveling Sister

    3.5 stars. Informative. Eye-opening. Thought-provoking. This was a well researched, enlightening read that made me sit and ponder many points. I love books that make me think! The author presents her research in an easy, well organized manner with chapters breaking down her theories. I liked how the information was presented. I found the beginning chapters more interesting than the latter chapters which felt a bit drawn out. However, there were countless ideas and theories presented throughout the 3.5 stars. Informative. Eye-opening. Thought-provoking. This was a well researched, enlightening read that made me sit and ponder many points. I love books that make me think! The author presents her research in an easy, well organized manner with chapters breaking down her theories. I liked how the information was presented. I found the beginning chapters more interesting than the latter chapters which felt a bit drawn out. However, there were countless ideas and theories presented throughout the book that I will keep with me long after I write this review. I will end with a couple quotes that stood out for me (these are quotes from an Advanced Readers Copy which may change prior to publication): “Hearing is passive. Listening is active.” “Understanding is the goal of listening, and it takes effort.” “To listen does not mean, or even imply, that you agree with someone. It simply means you accept the legitimacy of the other person’s point of view and that you might have something to learn from it.” Thank you to Celadon Books for sending me a physical copy to read with the Traveling Sisters. Expected date of publication: January 7, 2020.

  6. 4 out of 5

    Diane S ☔

    3.5. One might think a book on this subject would be full of information that is just a matter of common sense. Quite possibly might consider themselves already good listeners. They would most likely be wrong. So few actually know what active listening entails and even more so in this techie age, where one wants to gather information as quickly as possible. The author explains how important listening is, to individual people, society as a whole. The role of listening in different career choices, 3.5. One might think a book on this subject would be full of information that is just a matter of common sense. Quite possibly might consider themselves already good listeners. They would most likely be wrong. So few actually know what active listening entails and even more so in this techie age, where one wants to gather information as quickly as possible. The author explains how important listening is, to individual people, society as a whole. The role of listening in different career choices, where those who can listen reap the benefits. Even listening to ourselves, which depending on what we are saying can be a benefit. Of course, negative self talking is never a plus. I found this book to be informative and well worth reading, as well as pertinent I today's fast paced world. "when you hear people's stories you tend to want to do right by them." So true. ARC from Edelweiss.

  7. 5 out of 5

    Jon Nakapalau

    There are so many books on communication - so one can assume that it is a very important topic for many people in all walks of life. What Kate Murphy (KM) has done is nothing less than a 'distillation' of the process: looking at how the listening portion of communication is so often overlooked as we position our perspective as a platform: our mind-set already made up as we set in motion our 'values' to cascade down on others. KM gives us numerous examples of how this is (in fact) severing the There are so many books on communication - so one can assume that it is a very important topic for many people in all walks of life. What Kate Murphy (KM) has done is nothing less than a 'distillation' of the process: looking at how the listening portion of communication is so often overlooked as we position our perspective as a platform: our mind-set already made up as we set in motion our 'values' to cascade down on others. KM gives us numerous examples of how this is (in fact) severing the lines of true communication; each chapter examines a facet of this problem and gives examples from diverse fields of study to highlight the different 'traps' we all fall into when we stop actively listening to others. Highest recommendation - our politicians should put this book on their reading list today!

  8. 5 out of 5

    Heidi The Reader

    You're Not Listening is a fun and enlightening non-fiction read about, you guessed it, listening. Theoretically, we all have the capability of listening, but, as author Kate Murphy points out, we kind of suck at it. "This is a book in praise of listening and a lament that as a culture we seem to be losing our listening mojo." pg 3 From politics to business, scientific studies to families, Murphy illustrates pitfalls on the path of active listening and highlights the fact that rhetoric and You're Not Listening is a fun and enlightening non-fiction read about, you guessed it, listening. Theoretically, we all have the capability of listening, but, as author Kate Murphy points out, we kind of suck at it. "This is a book in praise of listening and a lament that as a culture we seem to be losing our listening mojo." pg 3 From politics to business, scientific studies to families, Murphy illustrates pitfalls on the path of active listening and highlights the fact that rhetoric and conversational skills are taught all over the world. The other half of the equation, listening to the information that's delivered, is not. "Done well and with deliberation, listening can transform your understanding of the people and the world around you, which inevitably enriches and elevates your experience and existence. It is how you develop wisdom and form meaningful relationships." pg 4 In the modern age of social media and the ability to establish instantaneous connections all around the world, you would think people would be feeling more interconnected than ever. Not so, says Murphy. "People get lonely for lack of listening. Psychology and sociology researchers have begun warning of an epidemic of loneliness in the United States. Experts are calling it a public health crisis, as loneliness increases the risk of death as much as obesity, alcoholism, and heart disease combined." pg 9 All of our technology bombards us with information while at the same time diverting our attention from the people in our physical lives. It is not just a matter of deciding who to listen to; it's also a question of shrinking attention spans and one of the many challenges faced by a technologically advanced society. Meanwhile, we're blasting out our own thoughts and feelings as quickly as they arise... so who has time for any of that? "It takes awareness, focus, and experience to unearth and understand what is really being communicated. Good listeners are not born that way, they become that way." pg 69 I love books that I learn from and that help me become the type of person whom I aspire to be. You're Not Listening ticks both those boxes in a big way. I can't recommend it enough for readers who enjoy non-fiction, learning, and the eternal quest of self improvement. Thank you to the publisher for a free advance reader's copy of this book.

  9. 5 out of 5

    marilyn

    Review to come

  10. 4 out of 5

    Jeanette (Again)

    This book could change your life if you study it carefully and try to implement what you've read. As an avid reader, once I finish a book I tend to move quickly on to the next book. With this book, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to go right back to the beginning and read it again before writing a full review. That in itself is a glowing recommendation, because I usually wait at least a couple of years before re-reading any book. Publication day: January 7, 2020

  11. 4 out of 5

    Tucker

    Many thanks to Celadon Books for sending me a copy in exchange for an honest review thank you, Celadon! I'm looking forward to this one | Goodreads | Blog | Pinterest | Reddit | LinkedIn | YouTube |

  12. 4 out of 5

    Barbara (The Bibliophage)

    Kate Murphy is a journalist who makes her living with her listening skills. No skills, no article. For the rest of us its not so straightforward. In her new book, Youre Not Listening: What Youre Missing and Why It Matters, she makes a case that listening is essential to communication. Of course, this seems obvious. One person talks and another listens. Thats communication. But Murphy explains why and how our listening skills are changing. And not for the better. Just take a look at her chapter Kate Murphy is a journalist who makes her living with her listening skills. No skills, no article. For the rest of us it’s not so straightforward. In her new book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, she makes a case that listening is essential to communication. Of course, this seems obvious. One person talks and another listens. That’s communication. But Murphy explains why and how our listening skills are changing. And not for the better. Just take a look at her chapter titles and you’ll get a sense for her major points. They target subjects such as the neuroscience of listening and why making assumptions stops us from listening. Some chapters are mostly science and others include practical steps, like how to support the speaker rather than shifting the topic away from their content. In our ever more divided world, the chapter about listening to opposing views was meaningful. Especially because Murphy explains why those conversations make my heart pound and my cheeks flush. Turns out that discussing contentious topics actually activates the “fight or flight” part of our brain, the amygdala. So talking to Uncle Mort over turkey is the conversational equivalent of being chased up a tree by a bear. Or maybe you’re the bear, and now you know why Uncle Mort gets so worked up by the conversation. Not surprisingly, Murphy includes a chapter on our addiction to distraction. Memorably, she connects checking our phones to the decades-ago tendency to light a cigarette when we needed a conversational pause. And then she compares our dropping attention span, which now averages eight seconds, to goldfish. Because goldfish have an average attention span of nine seconds. That’s according to research conducted by Microsoft, by the way. If you’ve ever made a point that your conversational partner doesn’t follow, read this book. And when you say, “Wait, what?” in a conversation, let this book be the next thought. “I should read that book by Kate Murphy about listening when it comes out.” Your connection to the people around you depends on it. My conclusions I consider myself a good listener. But for various reasons, listening is harder for me than ever. So I was pretty excited when Celadon sent me this advanced reader’s copy. I wanted to know why the world is losing its ability to listen, as I hope you do. Murphy balances science with wry humor in her writing. She taps into the expertise of master listeners, from hostage negotiators to focus group moderators. The stories from those folks are quite fascinating, and put their advice in context. The resulting narrative drew me quickly through each chapter. This is an easy read, even though it’s chock full of usable suggestions. It made me aware of moments where I drop the conversational ball by planning my next statement. And I also intend to practice the power of silence more often, thanks to suggestions from a crackerjack salesperson Murphy interviewed. In a world where we shout our digital opinions to the world, whether anyone answers or not, the art of listening feels like a lost art. Murphy reminds us why. I recommend this book with my whole heart, and only wish more people could read it before the inevitable family gatherings this holiday season. Instead, you’ll have to wait until it publishes in early January 2020. Grab yourself a copy and make listening better your New Year’s Resolution! Pair with [Dis] Connected: Poems & Stories of Connection and Otherwise, Volume Two, edited by Michelle Halket. Acknowledgements Many thanks to Celadon Books and the author for the opportunity to read an advance copy of this book in exchange for this honest review. Originally published on my book blog, TheBibliophage.com.

  13. 5 out of 5

    Terry ~ Huntress of Erudition

    This is a book that has a message which needs to be heard by everyone. Kate Murphy has interviewed many people and states that we are becoming more and more isolated, which leads to depression, which leads to a tragic rise in suicide rates all over the world. She believes that we do not really communicate effectively anymore, as a result of being overly connected to devices instead of each other. People are getting more used to texting than face to face conversations and are forgetting how to This is a book that has a message which needs to be heard by everyone. Kate Murphy has interviewed many people and states that we are becoming more and more isolated, which leads to depression, which leads to a tragic rise in suicide rates all over the world. She believes that we do not really communicate effectively anymore, as a result of being overly connected to devices instead of each other. People are getting more used to texting than face to face conversations and are forgetting how to listen and really tune into what another person is saying. Effective communication takes being more interested in the other person than in yourself and controlling your impulse to cut in with something you want to say, or assuming you already know what the other person is going to say so you don't have to pay much attention. The author uses examples of supportive conversations (which is good) and shifting conversations over to your point of view or your own personal experience, while ignoring what anyone else is saying (which is not good) because it limits your knowledge of someone else's point of view and/or feelings and destroys any closeness which may develope otherwise. Overall, people need to feel connected to one another and to share common goals in order to have a fulfilling life and the author gives the reader ways to achieve this through actually listening to others.

  14. 5 out of 5

    Lorilin

    This book is about, duh, listeningwhy you should do it and how you can do it better. Dont be put off by the somewhat self-aggrandizing intro. (Author Kate Murphy mentions that she writes for The New York Times no fewer than four times in the first two pages, ugh). But this little book actually does have some interesting points to share. After the intro, the book is divided into 16 sections, each one covering either advice on how to listen better or information on some specific aspect of This book is about, duh, listening—why you should do it and how you can do it better. Don’t be put off by the somewhat self-aggrandizing intro. (Author Kate Murphy mentions that she writes for The New York Times no fewer than four times in the first two pages, ugh). But this little book actually does have some interesting points to share. After the intro, the book is divided into 16 sections, each one covering either advice on how to listen better or information on some specific aspect of listening. Here’s my takeaway from each section: Chapter 1—Murphy expresses the slightly dramatic and pessimistic opinion that communication has drastically changed for the worse over the years and that we basically aren’t listening to each other at all anymore. Chapter 2—When you’re listening to someone well, your mind will actually sync with the other person’s mind. Chapter 3—Stay curious. If you have a curious mindset, you’ll genuinely want to stay open and listen to others. Chapter 4—Don’t make assumptions about people. Chapter 5—Be aware of the other person’s body language and vocal tone so you can ask the right questions. Chapter 6—Be present. Acknowledge distraction and then refocus on what the other person is saying. Chapter 7—Remain open, even when you disagree with someone. Try to listen without anxiety when you encounter beliefs that are contrary to yours. Chapter 8—Focus on what’s really important, even if it means digging deeper for real meaning and understanding. Chapter 9—Listen fully, all the way up until a person stops speaking. Think about how to respond when the other person has finished speaking. Chapter 10—Practice conversational sensitivity, which is when you pick up hidden meanings and nuances in tone. Chapter 11—Listen to your inner voice. Follow your gut. Chapter 12—Support the conversation, don’t shift it. Ask questions to elicit more info. Even avoid saying things like, “The same thing happened to me!” thereby putting the focus on yourself. Let the other person fully say what he needs to say. (This was one of my favorite sections.) Chapter 13—This section covered the actual physical process of listening. Chapter 14—Acknowledge that we are addicted to distraction. Chapter 15—Be okay with silence. Chapter 16—Gossip actually helps develop and deepen relationships, so long as it isn’t malicious. Chapter 17—It’s okay to decide to stop listening. Just do it carefully and with kindness. The longing to understand and be understood is one of the universal feelings experienced by every human. Listening well goes a long way toward helping us connect with others and feel at home in the world around us. Thank you to Celadon Books for the ARC! See more of my book reviews at www.bugbugbooks. Also follow me on Instagram @bugbugbooks.

  15. 4 out of 5

    Lou

    How often do you listen to someone properly? I mean REALLY listen? You're Not Listening is a book in which author Kate Murphy explains how important listening to others is in terms of creating and maintaining a good connection with them. I frequently encounter people who talk, talk, talk at you but when it comes to your turn to speak they are distracted and itching to talk over you. This is an important, necessary and interesting read and shows us how and why listening properly can help us in How often do you listen to someone properly? I mean REALLY listen? You're Not Listening is a book in which author Kate Murphy explains how important listening to others is in terms of creating and maintaining a good connection with them. I frequently encounter people who talk, talk, talk at you but when it comes to your turn to speak they are distracted and itching to talk over you. This is an important, necessary and interesting read and shows us how and why listening properly can help us in virtually every part of our lives. Not only does she inform us how to become better listeners but she cites many fascinating cases to illustrate her points including priests taking confessionals, leaders of focus groups and CIA interrogators. It explains how to interpret what someone is saying in different situations and contexts - e.g. how to interpret conversation that happens over the internet, how to interpret a conversation that occurs over the phone and how to interpret face-to-face encounters as naturally each have different clues that point to how a sentence was meant to be interpreted. Communication is one our most important and valuable skills and Murphy goes into depth about it and how it can impact our relationships. She discusses the science, physiology and neuroscience behind it all and how loneliness can impact mental health as well as polarising politics. I, furthermore, found the part about the internet, social media and text communication captivating. Of course, any of these methods of communication have the potential for misunderstanding but this is even more so with social media and conversation held at a distance etc as you don't have any of the non-verbal cues to help analyse what was actually meant. For example, what was supposed to come across in a lighthearted, jokey manner may be completely misconstrued. This is an accessible, thought-provoking and useful book and should really be required reading for everyone who wishes to become a better, more empathic and patient listener. There are plenty of tips you can put to use immediately to help aid in listening and comprehension. Highly recommended. Many thanks to Harvill Secker for an ARC.

  16. 4 out of 5

    Janssen

    This was SO FASCINATING. I feel like it's one of those books every parent (really, probably every person) should read. Definitely talked Bart's ear off about this one.

  17. 5 out of 5

    Kelly

    There are shelves and shelves of books about communicating, how to give a speech, how to negotiate, how to be effective in relating to others verbally. But so few take on what Murphy does in this book: listening. Whens the last time you really felt listened to? What made you have that feeling? Chances are it wasnt someone interjecting their own experiences or sharing an anecdote that may or may not be related to what you shared. Rather, what made you feel listened to was what the listener There are shelves and shelves of books about communicating, how to give a speech, how to negotiate, how to be effective in relating to others verbally. But so few take on what Murphy does in this book: listening. When’s the last time you really felt listened to? What made you have that feeling? Chances are it wasn’t someone interjecting their own experiences or sharing an anecdote that may or may not be related to what you shared. Rather, what made you feel listened to was what the listener brought to their engagement: curiosity. This, Murphy says, is what makes someone a great listener. They don’t one up or interject. They don’t parrot or offer hollow sentiments back. Rather, they engage with curiosity, asking questions that encourage the speaker to dig deeper. Every page of this book was fascinating and engaging, and it made me think a lot about the role of listening in everyday communication. It also made me think a lot about online communication and really cracked open what makes some social media tools like Twitter great for broadcasting, but ineffective for real conversation. Listening cannot happen because people can too easily forget that listening involves engagement, rather than inputting their own ideas or thoughts without quiet, even prolonged, thought. I found one of the sections about conversations with strangers surprising. I’d dread listening to a seatmate talk on a commute, but the study cited and explained here that people who really practiced listening to their seatmates rated their commutes better than those who had silence. The right kind of listening, and the right kind of curiosity, can take a potentially dreadful situation and make it something to look forward to. People are interesting, and it’s through listening that we get to discover that fact. As someone who does life coaching, I find that people seek it out is for coaching, of course, but also because the coach is trained in how to really listen. Conversations are about inquiry and curiosity, as opposed to offering a solution to whatever it is someone brings to the session. The ways forward are forged in co-creating solutions, and that co-creation comes from active listening and inquiry, and how often do we ever get the chance to truly be heard in such a way? It’s rare. Data can be helpful in many arenas. It can be combed and culled online. But it’s no substitute for real listening, as data isn’t vulnerable. And it’s vulnerability that connects us to one another, and real vulnerability is about allowing the space to listen, to thoughtfully inquire, and to allow quiet and space and pauses in conversation. Highly, highly recommended. I don’t hold on to many books I get for review, but this one is going in my professional collection because I know it’s one I’ll want to reference and lend out.

  18. 4 out of 5

    Jordan

    A copy of this book was given by in exchange for review. All opinions stated are my own. What You're Missing and Why it matters You're Not Listening was an enlightening look into communicating effectively, its pros and cons, and where in the world society is geared in regards to this complex and critical skill. With many examples and oodles of research, this was a really interesting read that had me reflecting frequently on my own listening skills. Kate Murphy is a Houston based Journalist who A copy of this book was given by in exchange for review. All opinions stated are my own. What You're Missing and Why it matters You're Not Listening was an enlightening look into communicating effectively, its pros and cons, and where in the world society is geared in regards to this complex and critical skill. With many examples and oodles of research, this was a really interesting read that had me reflecting frequently on my own listening skills. Kate Murphy is a Houston based Journalist who describes in detail one of her most memorable conversations, and reflects on how listening has shaped her career, at the very start of the book. It was nice to read and reflect on my own fond memories based on conversations, and throughout the book I was able to chuckle to myself when I read examples of times people were so eager to share their story, that they missed the opportunity to meet and listen to someone remarkable (like Neil Armstrong!). Haven't we all had a time like that? It really drove home the point. Murphy digs deep into the topic of active listening, learning when to stop listening, demonstrating listening through improvisation acting, and listening to your inner dialogue. I also appreciated how positive the whole piece was- even including how gossip is a strong social tool, and the benefits that it can provide.  Overall I found this to be a thought provoking and delightful read, and while I have so many self-reflective thoughts of my own experiences, I am more curious now, as to what others can share. If you are feeling like you are getting stuck in a world where everyone is shouting over each other, (or tweeting in all caps with lots of !!!), this is a book to pick up. Lots of tips and considerations I am certain we will all benefit from.   I hope you enjoyed my thoughts on You're Not Listening, but now I would love to hear what you think about this book!  Feel free to comment below or on my 'bookstagram' at @ReadWithWine .  This review was originally posted on ReadWithWine

  19. 5 out of 5

    Katie

    Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak. I wasnt expecting to receive an ARC for this book in the mail, but it couldnt have been more perfectly timed. My boss had just transferred to a new job, and her boss asked to talk to me, or rather just wanted to tell me that he thought my new team would be better for my career. Id mentioned to him that I was trying for a promotion and just didnt want to lose momentum on that process, and his “Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.” I wasn’t expecting to receive an ARC for this book in the mail, but it couldn’t have been more perfectly timed. My boss had just transferred to a new job, and her boss asked to talk to me, or rather just wanted to tell me that he thought my new team would be better for my career. I’d mentioned to him that I was trying for a promotion and just didn’t want to lose momentum on that process, and his response startled me: “If you want to be promoted, you need to speak up more.” Huh? How about I speak when I have something worth saying? I truly think that this mindset of getting visibility through speeches, presentations, having longer meetings, and general obsession around becoming a more “extroverted” employee is terrible for fostering a productive and successful work environment. Folks who loved Susan Cain’s Quiet will probably enjoy this book as well. Murphy makes many, many important points ranging from asking effective questions, to fostering meaningful connections, to how your brain actually processes sound (you have a logical ear and an emotional ear, wild!!). It all comes back to listening, and in an age where we are all constantly distracted by various devices and trying to multitask, and trying to stay connected with more people than ever before, we’re actually becoming more and more disconnected… because we are not effective listeners. I believe in listening. I believe that listening is actually more important than speaking, and I truly hope that as a society we can shift our values to include listening. Otherwise we’re all just shouting into the void. See more of my reviews: Blog // Instagram

  20. 5 out of 5

    Dana

    "To listen well is to figure out what's on someone's mind and demonstrate that you care enough to want to know." - Kate Murphy Something that amazed me about myself while reading You're Not Listening is that I've always thought I was a good listener. Available to talk when a friend or family member needed me, to listen, lend an ear. What surprised me most about myself is the bad habits I have while listening ... checking the time, fidgeting, looking around. It's no wonder there are times I don't "To listen well is to figure out what's on someone's mind and demonstrate that you care enough to want to know." - Kate Murphy Something that amazed me about myself while reading You're Not Listening is that I've always thought I was a good listener. Available to talk when a friend or family member needed me, to listen, lend an ear. What surprised me most about myself is the bad habits I have while listening ... checking the time, fidgeting, looking around. It's no wonder there are times I don't remember certain conversations. Blaming aging on forgotten topics, nope, I just wasn't listening 100%. I was allowing my focus to drift elsewhere. Reading this book I absolutely recognized situations in which I made myself look as though I wasn't interested or didn't care. Now that's a tough pill to swallow. For a book about ears this was an eye opening experience! You're Not Listening is extremely well researched and laid out ... I enjoyed each of the chapters as well as the different topics. I would definitely recommend this book to everyone! Huge thank you to Celadon Books for my review copy.

  21. 5 out of 5

    Jaclyn Crupi

    This felt like a lot of stating the obvious interspersed with research backing up the obvious point. This book could really have been an article. Theres some food for thought of course but I prefer my non-fiction to be far more rigorous. In the age in which we live were all very aware that nobody is listening and this book does little to offer real, concrete ways we can change or improve that. The paragraph on supportive listening is the strongest part of the book and I really didnt need to read This felt like a lot of stating the obvious interspersed with research backing up the obvious point. This book could really have been an article. There’s some food for thought of course but I prefer my non-fiction to be far more rigorous. In the age in which we live we’re all very aware that nobody is listening and this book does little to offer real, concrete ways we can change or improve that. The paragraph on supportive listening is the strongest part of the book and I really didn’t need to read 200 pages for it.

  22. 5 out of 5

    Genevieve Trono

    When all we crave is to understand and be understood, Youre Not Listening shows us how. In Youre Not Listening, author Kate Murphy explains what listening truly is and isnt, and how important it is to our connection with ourselves and one another. Not only is this book super fascinating but it is always making me rethink so many things! In our technology-filled world, there are so many new ways for us to interact, yet we are all longing for connection more than ever before. Many of us long for the “When all we crave is to understand and be understood, You’re Not Listening shows us how.”⁣ ⁣ In You’re Not Listening, author Kate Murphy explains what listening truly is and isn’t, and how important it is to our connection with ourselves and one another. Not only is this book super fascinating but it is always making me rethink so many things! In our technology-filled world, there are so many new ways for us to interact, yet we are all longing for connection more than ever before. Many of us long for the days of simplicity and meaningful face to face conversations. When we do interact, it is often rushed and interrupted by the distractions of the fast-paced world around us. I loved the balance of informative research and relatable text that made You’re Not Listening both engaging and thought-provoking. I also appreciated that Murphy emphasizes that listening skills are learned through implementation and practice and that it is something we can always learn, no matter how old we are. “It takes awareness, focus, and experience to unearth and understand what is really being communicated. Good listeners are not born that way, they become that way.” Thank you to Celadon Books for an advanced copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. You can read my full review at genthebookworm.com

  23. 4 out of 5

    Darcia Helle

    When was the last time you felt like someone truly listened to you? And when was the last time you gave someone your full attention? Much of our world exists in a constant state of distraction, with phones in hands, laptops at coffee shops, and multitasking at work and at home. We shout our opinions on social media and hit 'like' on the posts with which we agree. We hear each other, but we aren't listening. And because of this, we're lonelier than we've ever been. Kate Murphy has given us a gift When was the last time you felt like someone truly listened to you? And when was the last time you gave someone your full attention? Much of our world exists in a constant state of distraction, with phones in hands, laptops at coffee shops, and multitasking at work and at home. We shout our opinions on social media and hit 'like' on the posts with which we agree. We hear each other, but we aren't listening. And because of this, we're lonelier than we've ever been. Kate Murphy has given us a gift with this book. The writing is conversational, as she shares facts alongside anecdotes. She shows us all the ways in which we don't listen, and then offers guidance on all the ways in which we could do better. A person in my life told me, "I'm a great listener," as she interrupted me to talk about herself. Don't be that person. Within the pages of this book, Kate Murphy shows us just how much we're missing out on when we don't listen to one another. I honestly wish everyone would read this book. The world would be a far better place if we all took the time to listen. *I received an advance copy from the publisher.*

  24. 5 out of 5

    Bianca

    Wouldn't you agree this was a good book? A simple question camouflaged as a shift response! I learned so much from this book, and it was a quite the reality check: I'm a terrible listener! Kate Murphy's work here was fascinating, and from it, I have found tips for making small, daily improvements to my listening habits moving forward. Big thanks to Celadon Books for the opportunity to read this ARC!

  25. 4 out of 5

    Sarah Obsesses over Books & Cookies

    First of all I am a horrible listener. It's not just that my mind wanders and I interrupt but I just dont know how and have not known how for so long it's like I can't control the words that escape my mouth and I take over the conversation and I hate it. Also my husband hates and probably everyone who talks to me. Having said that even if you're not a bad listener this book should be in everyone's hands. It is basically a life guide. Kate Murphy is a journalist and like most journalists she First of all I am a horrible listener. It's not just that my mind wanders and I interrupt but I just dont know how and have not known how for so long it's like I can't control the words that escape my mouth and I take over the conversation and I hate it. Also my husband hates and probably everyone who talks to me. Having said that even if you're not a bad listener this book should be in everyone's hands. It is basically a life guide. Kate Murphy is a journalist and like most journalists she writes a very readable book. It's beyond the obvious. She talks about what listening really is and how to do it. In today's world we are compressed for time. We take information in bite sized chunks. We can't be bothered to watch a video if we know it's longer than 30 seconds we sigh or just close it. It's a long lost skill but the people who are good at it, like professionals (in government, in politics) who need to get information (not including therapists because i've had many who just should not be paid to listen) and people who get hired to help focus groups- are really good at it and are highly coveted people. And people who listen have the ability to make people feel understood and that's the true meaning of connection, something that as humans we all desire. I learned so much from this book. I learned about listening in general, like, keeping my big flapper shut and embracing the pauses and the silences as well as what happens when we listen to opposing viewpoints. People sometimes don't like to actually truly listen to opposing viewpoints because they worry that if they pay attention or really understand they will lose sight of their own view point (god forbid). Listening is about asking the important questions that get underneath the conversation to allow the speaker to get to a point they weren't even aware of. For example, if you were leading a focus group to find out if a supermarket should consider being open 24 hours asking a participant why they might shop at night they should ask the person to talk about the last time they shopped at night. Things like that. Kate Murphy talked about motivation to speak, about people who are vying for attention and interrupt (a'hem) and how much more you get out when you really focus on the other person's words so you can develop each other's thoughts and both add to the conversation. She even talks about gossip as not the negatively regarded pastime that it usually is. She says we are socialized by the gossip we hear from our family, friends, coworkers, teachers and religious leaders. We use gossip to learn; the more upset you are by the gossip the more of a chance you won't repeat the same behavior. She talked about the mechanics of the ear and why it's okay not to listen, despite choosing not to listen is a form of rejection. Air traffic controllers who have to be 100% listening and reading and aware of what's going on only have 90 minute shifts because that's all they can handle since listening drains you. So listen to people but know your boundaries. Also pay attention to the people you don't like listening to. Are they boring you? do they take forever to tell a story? Do they judge you? do you feel sucked dry after? think about those things and find out if it's saying something about the person or about yourself. I totally recommend this book. There is a lot to learn.

  26. 5 out of 5

    Elvina Zafril

    This is the first time I've heard about Kate Murphy. I wasn't aware if she had another books before this. I felt intrigued when I heard the title. I thought, it must be something related to people and why they should listen or maybe why they are not listening. I also thought about maybe there are some tips to actually listen to people. Nowadays, people are getting distracted wiith gadgets and work. We are active in social media sharing our opinions and people agreed with out opinions but are they This is the first time I've heard about Kate Murphy. I wasn't aware if she had another books before this. I felt intrigued when I heard the title. I thought, it must be something related to people and why they should listen or maybe why they are not listening. I also thought about maybe there are some tips to actually listen to people. Nowadays, people are getting distracted wiith gadgets and work. We are active in social media sharing our opinions and people agreed with out opinions but are they actually listened? When people are giviing advice, we took it, but we never listened. We tend to do the same mistakes over and over. I learned a few new things and some of them I'm already aware of. People are people, we wat to be heard but we are not listening. That's what usually happened to people in this world. I dig a bit abiut this author. Kate Murphy is a journalist and she listens to people. In this book she makes listening as an essential to communication. I loved that this book involved a lot of science in most of the topics. The topic about distraction is also included. I hope everyone will read this book and this world a far better place. Overall, I enjoyed reading this book. Thank you Pansing @definitelybooks for sending me a copy of You're Not Listening in return for an honest review. This book will be available on January 2020.

  27. 4 out of 5

    Janet

    When it is snowy and cold outside, superspeed readers like me can read 150 - 200+ pages/hour, so yes, I have read the book and many more today. LOL I requested and received a temporary digital Advance Reader Copy of this book from #NetGalley, and a hard copy of this book from the publisher and the author in exchange for an honest review. From the publisher, as I do not repeat the contents or story of books in reviews, I let them do it as they do it better than I do 😸. "When was the last time you When it is snowy and cold outside, superspeed readers like me can read 150 - 200+ pages/hour, so yes, I have read the book … and many more today. LOL I requested and received a temporary digital Advance Reader Copy of this book from #NetGalley, and a hard copy of this book from the publisher and the author in exchange for an honest review. From the publisher, as I do not repeat the contents or story of books in reviews, I let them do it as they do it better than I do 😸. "When was the last time you listened to someone, or someone really listened to you?" At work, we’re taught to lead the conversation. On social media, we shape our personal narratives. At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians. We’re not listening. And no one is listening to us. Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it’s making us lonelier, more isolated, and less tolerant than ever before. A listener by trade, New York Times contributor Kate Murphy wanted to know how we got here. In this always illuminating and often humorous deep dive, Murphy explains why we’re not listening, what it’s doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. She makes accessible the psychology, neuroscience, and sociology of listening while also introducing us to some of the best listeners out there (including a CIA agent, focus group moderator, bartender, radio producer, and top furniture salesman). Equal parts cultural observation, scientific exploration, and a rousing call to action that's full of practical advice, You're Not Listening is to listening what Susan Cain's "Quiet" was to introversion. It’s time to stop talking and start listening. I always say to my parents and y husband that they are hearing but not listening, so this was a perfect book to read - I also hear that many parents feel that way about their kids, so this book will be highly recommended and a subject of books clubs that I run! The book makes perfect sense and will appeal to readers of all levels and interests - it is smartly written in easy language that does not come off as a lecture or textbook - yes, in my opinion, it is true that you also "listen" when you read: the authors voice is inherently spoken via written word. Is that confusing??? There is a lot of research here but at no time is it boring ... it is just a wonderful book about a disconnected family, nation, politicians, etc. etc. who are hearing but not listening. especially politicians, except some of those leading countries, are freaking HILARIOUS to listen to...do they listen to themselves??? LOL Funny story ... we were looking for a Royal Daoulton that was packed up when my parents moved: I said "I have Lydia"... my dad chirped up "YOU HAVE CHLAMYDIA???" As always, I try to find a reason to not rate with stars as I love emojis (outside of their incessant use by "🙏-ed Social Influencer Millennials/#BachelorNation survivors/etc. " on Instagram and Twitter... Get a real job, people!) so let's give it 👂👂👂👂👂

  28. 5 out of 5

    OjoAusana

    *received a free copy from netgalley for honest review* This was a great interesting read, I've read more than one book on the subject so, like it says In the book, it's not really anything new but it's presented in a great way. Even so it was a great read and I will certainly be recommending it to others. The whole book was very fascinating and insightful, however I did find the parts about politics very simplified. I don't think you should cut people out of your life over little things but I *received a free copy from netgalley for honest review* This was a great interesting read, I've read more than one book on the subject so, like it says In the book, it's not really anything new but it's presented in a great way. Even so it was a great read and I will certainly be recommending it to others. The whole book was very fascinating and insightful, however I did find the parts about politics very simplified. I don't think you should cut people out of your life over little things but I know people who cut their daughter out of their life because she's gay, and the family cut her parents out to support her. People do have to keep in mind they could be wrong but I also think it's okay to cut hateful, toxic people from your life, even if they're family lol

  29. 4 out of 5

    Bakertyl

    A series of anecdotes, well written, thought not the most actionable advice. As a high school teacher, I deal with students (and parents) who don't listen well... they hear just fine, but don't process what they've heard so they don't understand. Not all students of course, but enough that the pattern is an issue. I was interested in this book as a way to improve myself, to help model for my students. Murphy does a good job of identifying problems with active listening and ways to prevent your A series of anecdotes, well written, thought not the most actionable advice. As a high school teacher, I deal with students (and parents) who don't listen well... they hear just fine, but don't process what they've heard so they don't understand. Not all students of course, but enough that the pattern is an issue. I was interested in this book as a way to improve myself, to help model for my students. Murphy does a good job of identifying problems with active listening and ways to prevent your wandering mind. I appreciate the research done (the Works Cited pages are as long as some of the chapters). The prose is easy to read and follow. I would have like to see more examples of responding... there was a script about "shifting" and "support" responses, which is useful, would like to see more of that.

  30. 4 out of 5

    Lisa

    3.5 stars This was very easy to read and approachable. I feel like I learned a few things from this book and there were some things I already was aware of. Overall I enjoyed this book but by the last few chapters I found my attention waning and was ready to be done reading. I received this book free for review from Celadon Books. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

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